Rejection is protection!
What?Rejection is protection! How can that be? This is a saying in 12-step programs. When someone rejects you, or your proposal, it is actually a sort of "whew...dodged that bullet!" because even though you wanted "it" or wanted a relationship with this person, your IDEA of what you would actually receive in the bargain was just that: YOUR IDEA. Not the reality of what would occur.This is one of the hardest passages of adulthood. Recognizing that the voice inside our head, the strategic mind that tells us what it thinks is good and bad, is actually not what is wisest in us. There is another voice, "that small still voice within" that knows more but often scares that strategic mind and so it shuts that voice down. I have a long time friend, going on 3 decades. She is a recovering alcoholic. She told me once that first time she tried a 12 step program it didn't work. The step (maybe first?) that asks you to surrender to your higher power? Well, she really believed that "She was her higher power". And I don't blame her. First of all she might be the most competent person I know, and I know so many, that this is actually a huge complement. Second, she grew up where there was no reason to trust any adult around her and every reason to assume she was the only person that was for her. The only person she could trust and the only person who would protect her, was herself.But when she said it ("I always thought I was my higher power.") my first thought was "She is just like me." I too find it easier to trust my idea of what should happen instead of trusting "life" or "God" or even that small still voice deep within me that whispers, maybe it is better this way. My strategic mind hates that voice. It doubles down on its list of why things should be the way it thinks they should.For most of us our idea about a job, a marriage, really any endeavor we wish for ourselves never materializes that way. It is always something different. Sometimes better, sometimes worse, but always different. So silly me, why do I really think I know what is best? So, picture me raising my right hand and swearing: "When the "no" comes, on any front, I resolve to recall all the times a "yes" made me unhappy and say "I probably just dodged a bullet, and I don't know why yet." Care to join me?
"There's that feeling you get when you see something that you don't understand..."
"There's that feeling you get when you see something that you don't understand the origin of ... wonderment."The Brooklyn artist Swoon was quoted as saying this in the New York Times and when I read it so many things came together for me.
- Why adults and adolescents love small children.
- Why it can be difficult for us as adults, to be curious in the face of the unknown. The uncertain.
- And why poetry so often appeals to us, especially at the most difficult times in our lives.
I think most of us "smart and savvy" (and maybe a bit world weary) adults do just the opposite of wonderment in the face of what we don't understand. We don't get curious, we don't allow ourselves to be drawn toward the unknown, instead we just shut down and/or armor up. We assume something negative and turn away. What poetry does (think Robin Williams in the Apple commercial) is usher us into a larger world where wonderment is more easily accessible. It helps us make or see things whole, including our own difficulties and our own lives.Of course, I realize there is real danger in the world. My goodness look at the front page of any newspaper around the world. Death and disease are everywhere. On a large scale the world is beautiful and terrifying. All the more reason for us to seize moments of wonderment. But to grab hold of them we most notice them first. Let's start by looking close to home, people we know or situations at work. When a colleague or loved one says something that I don't understand the origin of what do I do? Too often I tell a story, make meaning based on my past experience and the culture I am part of ... but what might happen if instead I go to "wonderment". To wonder and awe as in ..."that makes no sense to me, I wonder what s/he is seeing or experiencing that I am not." Can you sense, that in that moment we are drawn in, we are drawn closer, just like a child to the first doodle bug they see? We all have this capacity. We were born with it. But it gets covered over with our preference or our habits of predict and control. For just today, instead of making meaning, good or bad, in the face of something or someone we don't understand, why not try wonderment, real open hearted interest and curiosity about what we don't know? Let's enter our beginner's mind or "don't know mind" and see what happens.
"What will you do, God...?"
From the great poet Ranier Maria Rilke...“What will you do, God, when I die?I am your pitcher (when I shatter?)I am your drink (when I go bitter?)I, your garment; I, your craft.Without me what reason have you?..."
It is true, for each of us. We are a little piece of God. A particular expression of the Infinite and if we pull back on that expression, when we judge that expression, we judge Divine, we doubt. We think we know best, but the part of us that is doing that thinking is the protective system called the ego or strategic mind. This part of us is on the defense. But if, instead of listening to it, we turn the other direction, we do and be what we love, we wholeheartedly move toward what we love, then we give God full reign. AND we “feel” like God…big "G" not small. Feeling like a small "g" god, is grandiosity and hubris. It may feel good in the moment but it is what Jungians might call being caught in an "inflation".BUT if instead we know, we actually experience ourselves as a particular expression of the divine, then we want to kneel and kiss the ground. We do not feel certain or powerful. We feel awe. We feel wonder. We feel humility. We feel like,“really, really? I get to be and do this? Oh goodness," or "'Beam me up Scottie'. When what you love, loves you back!”What if that is the secret? The really big well kept secret? What if that is God? What you love? Don’t settle for god, it’s like trying to live on only cake, or only adrenalin. It ends up leaving you empty, literally and figuratively. The ultimate high that drops you to the ultimate low. BUT there is another path, literally that puts allows you to move to another level.Einstein said, “you can’t solve the problem at the level of thinking that created it” so instead of HIGH and then LOW and then HIGH…etc. how about something that is not in between, or in the middle of those two, but rather of an entirely different order? That order is akin to the wonder and joy we felt as children, or on Christmas morning, or when watching a doodle bug curl into itself, or the first time we realize we are riding our bike without training wheels. That feeling the Infinite's way of giving us a green light to keep going in that direction. The direction of what we love. What if it is really that simply? And those doubting and critical thoughts? Well, they never enlarge us. They never call us to become someone we can truly admire. Instead they call us to play it safe. To stay separate and to protect and cling to what we have. They call us to distrust not only others but ourselves and ultimately our destinies.If like Rilke, above I truly trust the little piece of stardust that is me...well, then paradoxically I quit judging myself and focusing on myself and whether or not I am good enough. What I do instead, is simply go out and express my little piece of heaven. Just like the old song said..."this little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine..."[audio m4a="http://www.nancywonders.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/03-This-Little-Light-of-Mine.m4a"][/audio]
Psyche (aka your unconscious): Holds all the trump!
More and more neuroscience is demonstrating the limits of the logical and the rational. Thus proving C.G. Jung, (Jungian Psychology) to have been a prophet. The power of the unconscious, the mysterious and unfathomable, within each and everyone of us is truly breathtaking. AND it is efficient! How does it get better than that?!I write about this because there are tools that one can use (many of which I have practiced for almost 2 decades) that help us actually hear the voice of our own psyche. AND why that matters is because it turns out ..that it is not "Father who knows best" but Psyche. (Yes, I am that old!)Our own sweet souls are what will make the best and happiest decisions on any and all matter of preference for each of us. Whether it be the next car we buy, the person we live with or career path we take...or which pair of shoes to buy and where to go for dinner. Psyche (soul) always speaks to us in the language of feelings, energy, moods and dreams. She is always letting us know what will make us happy in the long run.So why aren't we happier? Because our Strategic Mind generally overrules her and so quickly we often don't hear her at all. She says, "I want light and space." Strategic mind jumps in with "We can't move, we don't have time and where will we find....blah, blah, blah." Conversation over...except it isn't because Psyche will now start to disturb our peace with ennui or discontent or weird dreams. AND she won't stop.Our distrust of her is part and parcel of our inherent distrust of joy and happiness. (See my post: Trusting Joy). Most of us trust suffering and struggle more than we do joy and happiness. That is why we mostly change through the school of hardknocks. What would happen is when Psyche whispered "I want light and space." we would respond with curiosity with "Tell me more"?Maybe we allow Strategic Mind (SM) to register it's concerns immediately...but in the spirit of a brainstorm, instead of control.SM: "Look, the easy way would be to change our exisiting space if that is possible, but why is it you want light and space and are there other ways we could achieve that, because moving is a a big chunk of time and money?"And then the ideas surface. The brainstorm is on. Strategic mind doesn't have to and should not just say "yes" to Psyche, it is meant to be a true conversation between the rational and irrational within us. We can learn how to stay in the tension of the conflicting needs within our own minds, knowing that one day something greater than either "move or stay here and ignore the need for light and space" will emerge. Einstein said, "you can't solve a problem with the level of thinking that created it." I say, ask yourself where you are stuck. AND put those two opposites together and ask "how can I have both X and Y?" Then settle in and wait, trusting that an answer will come. Stay open. Wait for what is fresh, new and alive to arrive.
The Connection between Art and Vitality
Art isn’t pretty.Art isn’t painting.Art isn’t something you hang on a wall.Art is what we do when we’re truly alive.…But art is who we are and what we do and what we need. Seth GodinOkay, so I have been in a funk. By that I mean not really inspired to blog anything. Yet, somehow still inspired by life. This may sound trite but Michelle Obama's bangs and her and the girls attire on inauguration day are now my wallpaper on facebook, they inspire me. I don't know why but I smile every time I see them. Maybe because the colors are so beautiful and the lines of the clothes, elegant. But I may be making this up. My strategic mind HATES the idea that it can't explain everything. ;-) What I know for sure is the image of them makes me smile. Something else that inspires me: the comings and goings of the chickadees at my bird feeder. AND right now, I am really jazzed by my I brand new elegant red metal dining room table to launch valentine's day week. All of these makes me happy, grateful and young in spirit. Yet, not inspired to blog.When I started this blog I understood that the muse comes and goes. And accepted that, but I didn't expect the fickle girl to disappear for almost 6 weeks! AND I committed to not write because some voice in me said, I had better write something or... In other words I wasn't going to let my strategic mind take the my love of writing and connecting things and turn it into just another thing on my "to do" list. This blog that bears my name would be filled from a place of possibility and abundance. I would write because I get to, not because I have to.Trusting this path was part of my emergence as an artist. Yes, I did say artist. Not because I think my writing is actually worthy of the word art. But because I think how I am in the world is. My definition of art and making art is similar to Seth Godin's. It puts me on an edge. It asks me to begin and not know where I am going. Hmmm, that sounds like motherhood, marriage, most jobs, most projects doesn't it? I think so. Godin says we are all artists. We must make a world we want to inhabit. So ask yourself:What can I make in my world today, given all the things already scheduled and required of me, that would make me come alive in the making? That would give me energy?And of course ... go do that!