Thankful for Wonder and Wonders
As you know I am a Wonders. Daughter of Robert John Wonders, Mary Skotze Wonders, niece of Helen Wonders Chandler, Marion Wonders Wollum, Louise Wonders McKinnon, Lucy Wonders Doney, Virginia Wonders Rahoi, Joseph Wonders, and Harry Wonders. And Granddaughter of Claire Lemieux Wonders to whom I owe my middle name and my beloved Harry Wonders. He was only in my life for my first six years but I simply adored him and I am not sure I will ever know why. Why does a six year old love one human to the moon and back and not others? I do not know but I do know it isn't because her smart brain took a tally, or came to value assessment or built a spread sheet to point her in the right direction.She simply loved who she loved for reasons unknown to her. And that is what I want to write about today:The reasons unknown. Why do we love this one and not that one? Why do we get triggered by this one and not that one? But this isn't just about humans. Look through out your day. You have clear preferences for all kinds of things, from your favorite kind of pasta, to your preferred coffee house, (today mine is Champion on Nassau Ave in Greenpoint (Brooklyn), a block from my daughter's apartment), your route to the grocery store, etc. What is your favorite time of day? Mine: sunrise or sunset. My favorite day of the week is Saturday, and I am not even Jewish. My favorite season Autumn edges out spring, summer and winter by which also delights. But when fall arrives, I am done. I am at home. Leaves turning, the transition between the uber fullness of summer and the quiet barren landscape of winter, the transformation of green leaves into the bare branches of the season is the one I savor most. And luckily, living in Dallas TX, our autumn cycle is a slow circuitous path to the shortest of days.Do you ever wonder why you prefer one thing and not another, one man over all others, one woman? A season? A book? A movie? Anything? What is the preference making vehicle we all come factory loaded with?I wonder this a lot. And not just for myself, but for all of us. I think our preferences, desires, longing, affiliations and affections are glimpses of our individual souls, if you believe in such. If you don't then they are a peek into our essential self. It is the nest of our distinctness, like a cuckoo clock popping out on the hour, we too reveal ourselves to ourselves and to each other through our affections.Isn't that the loveliest of thoughts? Don't know who you are? Wonder who you came here to be? Just look to your affections and in due time all will be revealed.Yes, our preferences could also arise from longstanding, unconscious habits but even so, they were born out of either random chance or our particular resonance (the cuckoo popping out) to that particular thing. And if our habits began out of a random choice, a preference, an affinity for that choice set in early and thus it became a habit.Why is that? I think because our soul wants to be revealed, first and foremost to us, so we can follow it's code. But also it wants to be let out to dance in the world. I believe we each come with an "inner chooser" with dislikes and likes. Affections and repulsions. Longings and aversions.And why does this matter? Because the inner chooser, (I will name her, Joy) is also our inner compass who can help us find our way home. And by home I mean, to becoming our essential self, the person we came here to be, or who God made us to be.And why does that matter? Because that my dear friends, is the miracle of life. It is the wonder of life.So as we enter the season of wonder and awe that is initiated in Thanksgiving and ends in the positive resolve of a fresh new year, my favorite essayist comes to mind: Anne Lamott. I wish for us all a moment where "We start to get a hint of the power and sweetness and absurdity of life and to see it not as all fragile and harsh but as real, the really real. We get buoyancy and, God knows, sometimes even effervescence. Perspective doesn't reduce the gravitas, it increases reverence."Let's all raise our glasses and toast to wonder, reverence and effervescence.
Psyche (aka your unconscious): Holds all the trump!
More and more neuroscience is demonstrating the limits of the logical and the rational. Thus proving C.G. Jung, (Jungian Psychology) to have been a prophet. The power of the unconscious, the mysterious and unfathomable, within each and everyone of us is truly breathtaking. AND it is efficient! How does it get better than that?!I write about this because there are tools that one can use (many of which I have practiced for almost 2 decades) that help us actually hear the voice of our own psyche. AND why that matters is because it turns out ..that it is not "Father who knows best" but Psyche. (Yes, I am that old!)Our own sweet souls are what will make the best and happiest decisions on any and all matter of preference for each of us. Whether it be the next car we buy, the person we live with or career path we take...or which pair of shoes to buy and where to go for dinner. Psyche (soul) always speaks to us in the language of feelings, energy, moods and dreams. She is always letting us know what will make us happy in the long run.So why aren't we happier? Because our Strategic Mind generally overrules her and so quickly we often don't hear her at all. She says, "I want light and space." Strategic mind jumps in with "We can't move, we don't have time and where will we find....blah, blah, blah." Conversation over...except it isn't because Psyche will now start to disturb our peace with ennui or discontent or weird dreams. AND she won't stop.Our distrust of her is part and parcel of our inherent distrust of joy and happiness. (See my post: Trusting Joy). Most of us trust suffering and struggle more than we do joy and happiness. That is why we mostly change through the school of hardknocks. What would happen is when Psyche whispered "I want light and space." we would respond with curiosity with "Tell me more"?Maybe we allow Strategic Mind (SM) to register it's concerns immediately...but in the spirit of a brainstorm, instead of control.SM: "Look, the easy way would be to change our exisiting space if that is possible, but why is it you want light and space and are there other ways we could achieve that, because moving is a a big chunk of time and money?"And then the ideas surface. The brainstorm is on. Strategic mind doesn't have to and should not just say "yes" to Psyche, it is meant to be a true conversation between the rational and irrational within us. We can learn how to stay in the tension of the conflicting needs within our own minds, knowing that one day something greater than either "move or stay here and ignore the need for light and space" will emerge. Einstein said, "you can't solve a problem with the level of thinking that created it." I say, ask yourself where you are stuck. AND put those two opposites together and ask "how can I have both X and Y?" Then settle in and wait, trusting that an answer will come. Stay open. Wait for what is fresh, new and alive to arrive.
Obama & Christie: Out of tragedy, new possibility emerges ... Part 2
Now let's look at the same phenomena on the other side, President Obama. Jungians might say that Obama's leadership shadow is exemplified in Governor Christie (and vice versa.) Obama makes space for others to speak and be seen. He tries deliberately not to take up space or call the spotlight to himself. He possibly sees the Christie directive, passionate, emotionally expressive style of leadership as "old school" and not 21st century. He prefers the servant leadership or the participative leadership model that has been catching on in the last two decades.There have been signs that some other kind of leadership was needed from Obama in addition to his preferred style. Even his supporters have called him out for being too cerebral, for not wanting to truly fight for what matters. For not saying directly what he wants, for not taking charge. Take health care: Obama gave it to the Congress and Senate to work out without clearly saying what he wanted. Christie would have told them what he wanted. There are other examples of Obama refusing to find his inner Christie, but my point here is that most of us refuse the call to change ourselves in a new direction,when it is against our "winning formula" or the identity that has got us where we are today, or when we have held our way as better than or superior to other ways. It is scary to give up what always worked.However, when we are called to change and refuse the call, something (Fate/Life/God) steps into to help us. Sometimes through adversity or pressure and sometimes through offering us an example of our refused capacities in all their glory! For Obama, enter Governor Christie dealing with Sandy and for Christi, enter President Obama supporting him and the people of his state.AND so we get to glimpse another way to lead and to work together through their interaction. We saw that Obama had to ensure through his direct actions and calls to Christie that the government he believes in delivered for Christie. He couldn't sit on the sidelines. He had to get in the game and direct it when necessary. He made sure the red tape that everyone hates in bureaucracies didn't get in the way of FEMA delivering the way he knew it could. We witnessed what a working across the political divide could look like. Now it is our turn to do the hard work of insisting we get it.To my eye, both men glimpsed their "golden shadow" in the other man in the aftermath of Sandy --the next level of greatness for each of them as a leader if they will take the journey of embracing their opposite style. An Obama who takes charge and takes up space when necessary. A Christie who recedes and makes space for others views and leadership or who leads via supporting others leadership. Neither may know this happened consciously. But their unconscious is probably a little less frightened of being their opposite kind of leader.And so too, you and I. Ask yourself: "What it is I am most afraid of becoming?". Now ask yourself "And where in my life could that way of being actually be useful to me?" You will discover that "Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure." Ranier Maria Rilke
Obama & Christie: Out of tragedy, new possibility emerges ... Part 1
Picture the image of Republican New Jersey Governor Chris Christie standing side by side with Democratic President Barack Obama. One man man white, one man multiracial. One man large with a loud and passionate, direct and exuberant presence. The other slender and known for his cool demeanor, depth of thought and observational qualities. One man (Christie) had previously criticized the other (Obama) in public ("groping for the light switch of leadership in a darkened room).Yet a woman named Sandy, in the form of a hurricane, brought them together and brought out the best in both of them. AND simultaneously helped us glimpse a new way forward as a people. In this post I am going to focus on the inner development of both leaders from my perspective and apply that to each of us and human development. Let's start with my assumptions/beliefs:
- People come into your life at a point in time to give you a glimpse (a positive example) of the next level of development available to you, as a person and a leader. I refer to this as emergence as in, what is emerging/growing in you now?
- This person/example will stimulate your imagination of what is possible for you next, even if only unconsciously.
- If you recognize this opportunity and move with it, you experience the wind at your back.
- If you resist it, you experience struggle and suffering.
Dare
“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare, that things are difficult.” SenecaDo you believe that? I think this quote would be quite disturbing to the strategic and rational mind. It is the part of us that questions whether something “makes sense” or whether an idea of ours will turn out like we want. It gives us the list of reasons that things can go wrong. And it should because that is its job: to protect us. But often it becomes a tyrant king. It controls the conversation that is OUR life.The rational does not truly understand or speak the language of passion, energy, and engagement. It cannot and will not make us wholehearted. In fact, it doesn’t trust these things. Scares the bejeezus out of the rational; this whole passion thing. Yet a person or an organization that is directed by the rational has much less vitality and originality than one that is directed by our essential self — or our true and wise self. That part of us, though irrational (because it can’t tell us why, it can’t explain) only knows what it loves and what it wants. And according to neuroscientists we should be listening to it, because it knows with far more accuracy what will make us happy over a long period of time.In his book The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love Character and Achievement, David Brooks tells us that this unconscious, if given information and a few good nights’ sleep (i.e. time to mull it over and synthesize in its unique and mysterious way) will yield satisfying choices better than 75% of the time, while the rational mind will only succeed 50% of the time.So much of our unhappiness (which shows up as exhaustion, stress and a general sense of life being a burden) is directly because we take our marching orders from the wrong side of the brain; the side that will never dare. The link below is from a TED talk given by Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroscientist who had a stroke and was able to observe her brain functioning during it. Please take the time to watch this clip.Now, think about a challenge you are facing. Get quiet, close your eyes and take a few deep, slow breaths. Then ask yourself, which side of your brain have you been listening to regarding this issue? If it is the left and rational side, ask your intuitive mind to give you its perspective. Finally ask yourself, is there some action that actually might originate from the right side but be informed by the left side? Because it turns out that is the optimum relationship. The unconscious and intuitive points the path out, and the rational side executes or helps you get to that path and move forward on it. We need both parts of our brain, but we need them in the right relationship.