Winter Greeting: 2017
Winter Greeting: 2017Winter has long been the season of reflection so, get cozy, pour yourself a cup of something and let’s chat.This year for the first time I started my decorating, shopping and gifting early. Ask my siblings; I am notoriously a last minute girl. Myers Briggs P through and through. But this year, I think I needed her more. Her? She is Light, Hope and Mercy. Mostly Mercy. “Her” is Grandma Anna, the grandmother of the universe as well as the grandmother of Jesus, and mother of his mother Mary in the Christian faith. She is the part of the universe that is infinite love and mercy. Mostly Mercy.To my mind, Christendom’s celebration of the birth of Jesus is also a celebration of the triumph of light, hope and mercy over all that stands against their expression. (Mostly Mercy.) Did you know that around the world there is some sort of celebration of light at this time of the year? Whether it is the birth of Jesus, the light of the world, or the Jewish Hanukkah, or Kwanza or Denali…worldwide there are celebrations of light returning. Increasing hours of daylight means the promise of new beginnings, of redemption, and for me in particular, the triumph of mercy and empathy over fear and constriction.There are a number of seasonal firsts this year for the Wonders Dearings. In addition to getting an early start on the season we are taking a trip and hosting our first open house. After years of promising that one year we would not do Christmas gifts etc. but would instead take a trip, the Wonders Dearings finally did it. The 24th found us on the road to the Gage Hotel in Marathon Texas and exploring Big Bend National Park. The 27th we discovered the magic of Marfa, Texas, home to artists and spiritual seekers. We renewed and re-discovered the magic of our connections, of our shared passions and learned to be a bit more elegant in navigating our divergent temperaments. It is no small thing to put three solo adults, all more leaders than followers together for a large amount of time and in close quarters. We did that. It brought us closer together as these kinds of conversations do. We had and made time for them. We are better for them. Each of us.Another first: No true Christmas tree with all the ornaments our memories can conjure, but instead something I have long wanted; decorating with nature and light. An abundance of greens, flowers, candles. I have thoroughly enjoyed the change, maybe even more so because it was so long in coming.And … and … and yet, I feel this melancholy. Even in this long desired reinvention of how we do this season, (and my heart flutters at the thought of any kind of reinvention), yet this unshakable melancholy persists. Why?Even in our togetherness there were poignant moments of time passing too quickly or where-has-it-all gone. Even in the best of experiences, the extraordinary drive through Big Bend replete with hiking the Santa Elena Canyon, the vastness of the Chinati museum, and time unbounded a bit, it persists. This curious combination of deep thankfulness mixed with some unnamable loss. Like the vast beauty of the desert that also holds all manner of prickly cacti and fierce critters.Maybe this is aging and the nostalgia that comes with it? Maybe the desert sky renders this feeling larger? Or maybe it is realizing that more Solstice celebrations of the return of light are behind than ahead of me? Or the dawning (and unbearable) awareness that I will not accompany my children (physically) through all the pivotal moments of their lives.I remember my sweet and humble academic father, who never saw his grandson graduate from MIT, now studying at Harvard Law School. Papa missed this all and how it would have thrilled him. Zachary Robert Dearing, you can't possibly know what this would have meant to your grandfather. He would not have even dreamed this as a possibility, it was outside of his rural and humble beginnings to hope or dream for these institutions. But please trust he would have been both humbled and proud by your remarkable achievements, especially in the face of your dyslexia. And my mother would have been beyond wowed at her granddaughter Katharine Lillie Dearing’s culinary talents and the culture shifting work she is creating in the world. Even though it might confront her political and worldviews, she adored her Katie and would have not been able to easily dismiss her series, Woman of a Certain Age, and it’s Tribeca acknowledgement. There are so many things my parents are missing. As we too miss sharing these moments with them. A granddaughter married and their first great grandson. Another granddaughter is engaged and planning her wedding while making a new life for herself in fashion in New York.My life holds so many gifts and blessings...and always has ...but as I play the Leslie Odom, Jr.’s Simply Christmas CD (the new) alongside Barbara Streisand’s Christmas album and so many other old favorites, I wonder: Is this the magic ...(albeit bittersweet) of Christmas? Is this annual seasonal celebration a direct line to everything that came before and everything that will yet come to pass? A direct line, AND all at once! How do we sweet tender human hearts hold that kind of complexity? How do we grow hearts large enough to continue to rise up with a full throated “YES!” to each day, ever more aware of time moving on? This daunting challenge is more and more my daily companion. In small and large ways, I am reminded I must apprentice myself to the beauty of impermanence.Recently, I have sensed, just a hint or a glimmer, that there is a singular and stunning ~ heart stopping ~ beauty in this part of life’s trajectory. For this very young-at-heart woman, this woman whose life has been firmly planted in innovation, emergence, and possibility, how will I find those beginnings in my decline and death? I love, adore maybe even worship the expansiveness in beginnings. Can I uncover a different expansiveness in loss? Is that even a thing?I am sure it is beyond words, it is unspeakable. Yet, I feel compelled to attempt to incarnate my new sensibility of this time. I continue to sense that there is an abiding but different security and comfort in impermanence. Please don’t ask me to explain it. I also can’t explain why I simultaneously cry and feel a deep abiding peace driving in the desert. Something about the soul piercing starkness of this beauty. Is this the face of God? Is this wonder and awe?Isn’t it interesting that in the bible when the angels come to visit a human their first words are “Be not afraid.” Indeed, this impermanence is of the divine and I/we humans initially respond in fear. “Be not afraid my soul whispers, but my mind resists.” Is this the blessing of life? Succumbing, surrendering to the Unfathomable but not in fear rather in love? AND with that surrender, do we glimpse the beauty beyond all naming? A beauty as majestic as the Marfa, TX desert sky. Impermanence is not what we think we want. But we aren’t always the best judges of what will truly make us happy. I know from my own life that what I thought would make me happy, often failed me miserably and paradoxically what I was sure I didn’t want, often fulfilled me in ways beyond my wildest imagination. I no longer think I am the best judge of what will make me happy. And that makes it easier to welcome and embrace what is, even when it falls very short of my desires.As we move into 2018 in the era of Donald Trump, with abundant natural disasters and nuclear threats, it might be more important than ever to love what is. That includes each of us loving our own flawed and imperfect selves. Enough self-improvement! Instead a full-on embrace of how we are made; the good, the bad and especially the ugly. And then onto our equally imperfect family, friends and neighbors. Maybe there is something inside of each of us that is truly inviolate, wise and as vastly loving as the West Texas sky. Touching that sweet spot with far more regularity might be the gift that never disappoints.So, in the spirit of the Beauty and the Joy of Impermanence I wish each and everyone one of us a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, a Sweet Solstice, and Happy New Year.
"All you undisturbed cities, have you not longed for the enemy?" Rilke
This line of (from a Rilke poem from his Book of Hours) arrests me. I heard it read by the poet David Whyte at the opening of our second Invitas learning experience near his home on Whidbey Island off the coast of Washington State, almost a month ago. It was evening, there had been wonderful food, wine and conversation. This was not his first or only poem to share. But when he delivered it, I felt as though it reached out and grabbed me by the shoulders and said…”YOU, Nancy, undisturbed Nancy, haven’t you longed for the enemy?” It was personal and it implicated me. It still does. Why? And what does that line mean? Who longs for the enemy? Hmmmm…what if I do? I mean literally the enemy is disturbance. Because the city of Nancy Clarie Wonders is undisturbed. And that is true. Other than my clients bringing me their disturbances, my city is pretty quiet, tucked in. How did this happen? Why did this happen? First question: how it happened was I arranged this life as it is. I made all the choices so I created a life with little disturbance. Why? Well, honestly because I had had so much disturbance for almost a decade, I think I just wanted to rest, to live in my little walled city (which is actually what the poet was seeing when he wrote the poem.). And I am so glad I did, not just because I was exhausted from constant change and seriously needed the rest but also because I had never lived my life in this contented and calm place. It was and is lovely. Helps me understand why we wall ourselves off. YET, I can feel something stirring deep within me, like the bulbs under the ground putting down roots and sending up shoots. I am ready for the enemy. I am ready for an intimate relationship again or some kind of challenge or learning that disturbs my self sufficiency and clarity.As the song Being Alive by Steven Sondheim states so beautifully…. Make me alive, make me confusedMock me with praise, let me be usedVary my days…One can be alone within a marriage or a family. Those folks in the walled in city had others with them but…still the poet asks them…do they long for the enemy?Yes, when disturbed...I fuss. But do I truly want to be disturbed? If I am honest, I am a house divided here. I do and I don’t. And yet, I know I only grow through these disturbances and I know that we humans are built for change and growth, even while we/I resist. Likes a ship, I am safe in harbor but that’s not what ships were built for. Nor was I! Oh goodness, here goes!
The ideal and the real...
Mom's pin-curled hair, now loose and blowing in the March Wisconsin winds as she applies the clothes pins to the wet laundry on the clothes lines strung through the backyard by my father. Four children, I the oldest at 8 years, followed by three more all two years apart. Her life. Her busy and full life. Many fighting for her lap and her attention. "Mama", "Mom", "Mary" ...my mother and many mothers' lives in the 1950s. It was a different time. Another time. Or is it?I watch my young friends, juggle work schedules and a variety of enrichment classes for multiple children. They are having their children closer together, like my parents generation did. And they are having larger families. As I sit on the large patio of the local city golf course looking out ...and back in time...I am struck with the cycles of life.When I was in that jam-packed family and house-holding phase of my own life, I missed time to read, time for me, time for museums, brunches and gallery walks. Now I have much time for all of these things. And I miss the sound of "mom" "momma". I miss being sought after and adored. I miss the fullness. The busyness of it all. Truth be told each phase of life has its exquisite beauties AND the places it falls short. I advise a young client who currently has no romantic love in her life to enjoy this time because when love finds her again her life and time, will no longer be primarily about just her and her own preferences. But do I heed my own advice?Not so much...Do I wake up excited about being the sole person I get to please and care for today? Somedays. Today, this day, I glance back and wish that I understood 20 years ago that to everything there is indeed a season. Such a life-long challenge for this visionary, this midwife of change and possibility, to fully embrace whatever cycle I am in, rather than lean into the next "ideal" vision, I glimpse. For too often that "ideal" arose out of an anxiety or sense of lack. Years back, when covered over in motherhood, I wondered if there would ever be time for me again. Would there be enough? Was I enough? And when I thought that thought I was leaning away from the reality of my life without deeply embracing it for its particular beauties and flaws. So often the inner dialogue then was "I better..." "I need to..." "and I have to..."So now when I hear myself say "I better______" and note an anxiety that time is running out, or that something negative will happen if I don't act now, I breathe and question that thought. Same thing with "I need to______". or "I have to_________." And often I discover that these thoughts have fear-scarcity-lack or some sort of anxiety lurking at their base.For example, today I could say to myself "Nancy you need to appreciate your current state of being single." And if I respond to that inner command it is ultimately a lack-based response. Ditto, if I say "Nancy, while you are still single you better enjoy and make the most of it." But, what happens, if I say to myself, "Nancy, lucky lady, you get the privilege of a low maintenance life with enough time to focus on those things that you set aside during the years you were raising your children"?Shift is what happens. Shift inside of me. Shift to a deep gratitude and a wholehearted embrace of the life I have been given.
Part 1: Moving from one year into the next ...
Let my history then, be a gate unfastened to a new life and not a barrier to my becoming. David Whyte We humans are such funny creatures. We have stories about everything and everyone ~ even ourselves! Maybe especially ourselves. And unfortunately, we ~ I ~ stick like crazy glue to that story. Think about it. When was the last time you surprised yourself by allowing some otherness, some unknown frontier to rise up and … arrest you? Alter your path? Carl Jung called that God. We often think it is the devil! How dare life deliver anything but our expected results, right?What is also true of us, is that most of us have a story that often differs in small or large ways from others’ stories about us. Today, on the eve of a new year, we invite you to step outside your story about your history and who you are and who you can be. Who exists beyond that story? Discover your unknown, your unclaimed otherness, your becoming.…not known because not looked for…(T.S. Elliot) So, why not consider seriously aligning with the call of 21st century life? To trust and welcome the unknown, rather than resist it. “To learn to love the unknown for itself, to take it gladly like a lantern to help you see where ordinary light will not go.” For me this line suggests we align ourselves with a positive expectancy, similar to what we felt on Christmas morning as children. What would be under the tree for us? Our most cherished desires or something else, yet still wonderful? Maybe more wonderful? You are leaders, whether you are leading just yourself, into authenticity or an organization of hundreds. You are leaders. And you are 21st century leaders, living in challenging, uncertain, and unpredictable and terribly complex times. Now, how do you find your way to say YES to that fierce embrace?
EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
AND
EVERYTHING IS AT STAKE.
What an amazing time to be alive and part of history. If anyone needs to become comfortable in the unfamiliar, the unknown, it is us: we rational planners and doers. I invite you to place, who you think you are, what you think you love, and what you think is possible for and through you, on your right side. Set them down. And allow your left side, your own dear unknown, to offer, to reveal, to announce itself to you. As you move from this year passing away, it matters to name what is done and complete for yourself so that you can create the space to invite new growth and imagination into your life in 2013. Consider using these questions to help you become clear about what needs to recede or die back in your life:
- What is finished, complete in your life now?
- Where have you achieved substantial mastery and need to allow that particular gift to recede in order to create space for your next level of growth?
- Where in your life might you be taking a strength of yours and over using it, or applying it to something that doesn’t need it? For example, let's say you are a good idea generator. You have most of them at meetings. But what if NOW it is time to develop discernment. The ability to pick between ideas, the one that will really hit it out of the park. That means listening and observing and reflecting. Opposite of the idea generator mode. But if you keep going to the “creative” idea generator, it will actually become a liability. This is an example of over-doing a strength so it becomes a liability.
Earth's crammed with heaven
"Earth’s crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God;" This could have been written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning about my son Zachary Robert Dearing who is celebrating his 23rd birthday today. Since his arrival he has grabbed for this earth as if it were indeed crammed with all things divine. At age 2 in the grocery store checkout, he would stretch away from me to watch the cashier, mesmerized. (He received a toy cash register for his next Christmas). At age 5, he pursued T-ball, basketball and any other sport with such focus and determination that he was typically the coach's example to the other five year olds. At early as 3 years old when he was giving his new birthday roller blades a trial, he fell. Then promptly picked himself up with "Good fall, Zac" and went back after it again.Zachary has treated this world as if it truly is sacred, as if it were indeed created by God, (whether in 7 days or via the big bang and evolution), matters not so much to him as loving planet earth well. Loving it though, not with a mother's or father's love, but as lover. He devours this world and is the most present person to each of his experiences I have ever known. He expects to fall in love with all aspects of earthly life and so he does and has; now for 23 years. You know with all the focus on saving this planet I wonder if we are really present to it? Do we truly experience it? Do we love it and more importantly our own precious lives as if they will never come again? Because each moment will never come again. Somehow Zachary, from the moment he arrived (he slept only 10 hours a day as an infant... until he was 14 years old) has intuitively known how to love this world and his life here as if he had only this one shot at it.I know something about loving one's life. I was raised by a man who truly loved his life. Zachary's grandfather, Robert Wonders loved all the days of his life. But more quietly than Zachary. Zachary's enthusiasm for the world can take one aback, especially in his younger days. He takes up space. He has big ideas and pursues them and most importantly he does not focus on outcome. He focuses on the hunt. He celebrates each achievement, mourns his losses but never for more than 24 hours, then on to the next pursuit. It is clear that victory is not the point. The point is life. The point is being "all in" his life. The point is being truly alive.What does this have to do with you and with me?Ask yourself,"Where am I concerned with outcome?" or"Whether something makes sense enough to give it a shot?" or"How will I look doing it?" or"What so and so might think of me?"or some other form of doubt that is distracting you from channeling your inner Zachary Robert Dearing and simply loving this "earth crammed with Heaven?" Happy Birthday, Tiger boy!