"Things Happen FOR us, not TO us."
As an event is unfolding we actually have no idea at all WHY it is happening. Of course that won’t stop our minds from making up a story of one sort or another. But as you may have already surmised, thinking “things are happening for me” leads to a very different story and feelings, than than “things are happening to me.” “For me” can lead to Christmas morning feelings, like positive expectancy, curiosity and openness. Things are happening “to me” can lead to self-protection and contraction, feelings and thoughts like suspicion, concern and worry. The emotional intelligence research tells us that what we say only counts for 7% of what people hear when we talk. But how we are feeling and thinking, accounts for the other 93% and shows up in our tone of voice (38%) and our non-verbal behaviors (55%). It follows then that “to me” stories create an energy of contraction and worry that diminishes us and our messages/communication to others. And of course, “for me” stories create a sort of “brainstorm” atmosphere that is fun, joyful and creative allows for the flow of meaning as well as ideas. This is exactly the kind of atmosphere that today’s individuals AND organizations most need to stay competitive and thrive.When we are caught in “to me”, a good exercise to move into “for me” is The Wonders Consultancy “13 things” exercise. Sit down and make a list of 13 reasons that this thing that is happening, is actually a benefit to you in some way. For example, let’s say that you tend to be someone who gets anxious when people you care about distance from you. Maybe you take that personally. Or feel rejected. Or tend to blame or criticize yourself, and create a story you caused their behavior. AND let’s say you have recently decided that you want to change this pattern. Now, two of your friends are incommunicado. One way that is a benefit to you is you get to practice new neurological patterns or calming yourself and not chasing after these two friends. Of trusting that it is not at all about you and at some point you will understand and discover that they had other things pressing on them. Therefore, one reason that friends being incommunicado is a benefit to you, is that you are learning not pursue others! Another reason is you are learning to stay in the moment and not create stories about other people’s intentions. A third reason this is “for you” is that you are getting to learn not to take others behaviors personally. So, I gave you 3, now find another 10! It may well take that much effort to get your strategic mind to let go and trust!
"What will you do, God...?"
From the great poet Ranier Maria Rilke...“What will you do, God, when I die?I am your pitcher (when I shatter?)I am your drink (when I go bitter?)I, your garment; I, your craft.Without me what reason have you?..."
It is true, for each of us. We are a little piece of God. A particular expression of the Infinite and if we pull back on that expression, when we judge that expression, we judge Divine, we doubt. We think we know best, but the part of us that is doing that thinking is the protective system called the ego or strategic mind. This part of us is on the defense. But if, instead of listening to it, we turn the other direction, we do and be what we love, we wholeheartedly move toward what we love, then we give God full reign. AND we “feel” like God…big "G" not small. Feeling like a small "g" god, is grandiosity and hubris. It may feel good in the moment but it is what Jungians might call being caught in an "inflation".BUT if instead we know, we actually experience ourselves as a particular expression of the divine, then we want to kneel and kiss the ground. We do not feel certain or powerful. We feel awe. We feel wonder. We feel humility. We feel like,“really, really? I get to be and do this? Oh goodness," or "'Beam me up Scottie'. When what you love, loves you back!”What if that is the secret? The really big well kept secret? What if that is God? What you love? Don’t settle for god, it’s like trying to live on only cake, or only adrenalin. It ends up leaving you empty, literally and figuratively. The ultimate high that drops you to the ultimate low. BUT there is another path, literally that puts allows you to move to another level.Einstein said, “you can’t solve the problem at the level of thinking that created it” so instead of HIGH and then LOW and then HIGH…etc. how about something that is not in between, or in the middle of those two, but rather of an entirely different order? That order is akin to the wonder and joy we felt as children, or on Christmas morning, or when watching a doodle bug curl into itself, or the first time we realize we are riding our bike without training wheels. That feeling the Infinite's way of giving us a green light to keep going in that direction. The direction of what we love. What if it is really that simply? And those doubting and critical thoughts? Well, they never enlarge us. They never call us to become someone we can truly admire. Instead they call us to play it safe. To stay separate and to protect and cling to what we have. They call us to distrust not only others but ourselves and ultimately our destinies.If like Rilke, above I truly trust the little piece of stardust that is me...well, then paradoxically I quit judging myself and focusing on myself and whether or not I am good enough. What I do instead, is simply go out and express my little piece of heaven. Just like the old song said..."this little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine..."[audio m4a="http://www.nancywonders.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/03-This-Little-Light-of-Mine.m4a"][/audio]
Psyche (aka your unconscious): Holds all the trump!
More and more neuroscience is demonstrating the limits of the logical and the rational. Thus proving C.G. Jung, (Jungian Psychology) to have been a prophet. The power of the unconscious, the mysterious and unfathomable, within each and everyone of us is truly breathtaking. AND it is efficient! How does it get better than that?!I write about this because there are tools that one can use (many of which I have practiced for almost 2 decades) that help us actually hear the voice of our own psyche. AND why that matters is because it turns out ..that it is not "Father who knows best" but Psyche. (Yes, I am that old!)Our own sweet souls are what will make the best and happiest decisions on any and all matter of preference for each of us. Whether it be the next car we buy, the person we live with or career path we take...or which pair of shoes to buy and where to go for dinner. Psyche (soul) always speaks to us in the language of feelings, energy, moods and dreams. She is always letting us know what will make us happy in the long run.So why aren't we happier? Because our Strategic Mind generally overrules her and so quickly we often don't hear her at all. She says, "I want light and space." Strategic mind jumps in with "We can't move, we don't have time and where will we find....blah, blah, blah." Conversation over...except it isn't because Psyche will now start to disturb our peace with ennui or discontent or weird dreams. AND she won't stop.Our distrust of her is part and parcel of our inherent distrust of joy and happiness. (See my post: Trusting Joy). Most of us trust suffering and struggle more than we do joy and happiness. That is why we mostly change through the school of hardknocks. What would happen is when Psyche whispered "I want light and space." we would respond with curiosity with "Tell me more"?Maybe we allow Strategic Mind (SM) to register it's concerns immediately...but in the spirit of a brainstorm, instead of control.SM: "Look, the easy way would be to change our exisiting space if that is possible, but why is it you want light and space and are there other ways we could achieve that, because moving is a a big chunk of time and money?"And then the ideas surface. The brainstorm is on. Strategic mind doesn't have to and should not just say "yes" to Psyche, it is meant to be a true conversation between the rational and irrational within us. We can learn how to stay in the tension of the conflicting needs within our own minds, knowing that one day something greater than either "move or stay here and ignore the need for light and space" will emerge. Einstein said, "you can't solve a problem with the level of thinking that created it." I say, ask yourself where you are stuck. AND put those two opposites together and ask "how can I have both X and Y?" Then settle in and wait, trusting that an answer will come. Stay open. Wait for what is fresh, new and alive to arrive.
The Connection between Art and Vitality
Art isn’t pretty.Art isn’t painting.Art isn’t something you hang on a wall.Art is what we do when we’re truly alive.…But art is who we are and what we do and what we need. Seth GodinOkay, so I have been in a funk. By that I mean not really inspired to blog anything. Yet, somehow still inspired by life. This may sound trite but Michelle Obama's bangs and her and the girls attire on inauguration day are now my wallpaper on facebook, they inspire me. I don't know why but I smile every time I see them. Maybe because the colors are so beautiful and the lines of the clothes, elegant. But I may be making this up. My strategic mind HATES the idea that it can't explain everything. ;-) What I know for sure is the image of them makes me smile. Something else that inspires me: the comings and goings of the chickadees at my bird feeder. AND right now, I am really jazzed by my I brand new elegant red metal dining room table to launch valentine's day week. All of these makes me happy, grateful and young in spirit. Yet, not inspired to blog.When I started this blog I understood that the muse comes and goes. And accepted that, but I didn't expect the fickle girl to disappear for almost 6 weeks! AND I committed to not write because some voice in me said, I had better write something or... In other words I wasn't going to let my strategic mind take the my love of writing and connecting things and turn it into just another thing on my "to do" list. This blog that bears my name would be filled from a place of possibility and abundance. I would write because I get to, not because I have to.Trusting this path was part of my emergence as an artist. Yes, I did say artist. Not because I think my writing is actually worthy of the word art. But because I think how I am in the world is. My definition of art and making art is similar to Seth Godin's. It puts me on an edge. It asks me to begin and not know where I am going. Hmmm, that sounds like motherhood, marriage, most jobs, most projects doesn't it? I think so. Godin says we are all artists. We must make a world we want to inhabit. So ask yourself:What can I make in my world today, given all the things already scheduled and required of me, that would make me come alive in the making? That would give me energy?And of course ... go do that!
Part 2: Moving from one year into the next
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard ThurmanThis Part 2 of "Moving from one year into the next..." is an invocation or a "call". You are invited to glimpse your unknown future, to look into your heart and the year ahead and petition God/the gods to release you to your destiny, to your bold angels. To the part of you that is courageous, even while fearful, and that is joyful and grateful even in the face of loss. To the part of you that is ready to "come alive".In this part of this reflection exercise, you are invited to notice what may want to emerge in your life and in you at this time. When I celebrate the beginning of a new year, I ask myself: "What is the quality or energy that I want to bring into my life in this brand new year?" Consider taking the wisdom of Howard Thurman’s words to his black congregation in the middle of the civil rights movement. His congregation, some would argue, needed everything, but listen to what he said to them:“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”So at the dawn of 2013, why not consider answering the questions below and see if you can glimpse what your bold angels might want for you this year:
- What makes you come alive now?
- What would fill your life/your world with "lovely"?
- If you knew you could not fail, what might you do or pursue?
- Where in your life do you want to live or need to live fearlessly?
- What could you get truly excited about bringing forward in yourself? That feeling of “really, really I get to do this or be this?”
Now set this aside for a day or so and come back and reread your answers. What is the new future you declare for yourself in 2013 and why does it matter to you? See if you can write that in a short sentence, maybe in the form of a declaration:I am a commitment to ________________________________for the sake of _________________________.The secret in making a declaration an incarnated reality is to keep it top of mind every day. Make a daily habit of creating 3 small steps you can take toward your declaration. Do this every day.Happy New Year. Happy New You.