For those Difficult Conversations during the Holidays:

This was written by Daniel Goleman and The Emotional Intelligience Guru.  I have reposted it because I think it is spot on and well written.  Before I tell myself a story about how a sister or brother, or mother or father-in-law, or whomever just doesn't get it.  Or "Always" judges me or "never" listens to me, I might want to take Goleman's advice. "We’ve all had difficult conversations, often with difficult people. How do you improve the process and outcome of challenging discussions? I recently spoke with Erica Ariel Fox, lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School, and member of the internationally acclaimed Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School (PON), about how to manage a difficult conversation. Her research on negotiation showed her that improving your interactions with others starts with managing how you interact with yourself.Here’s her take on how she came to discover the effectiveness of emotionally intelligent negotiation:"Every difficult conversation is really three conversations. There's the conversation about what happened: the substance, the facts. Each of us has a story about what happened. There's also what they call the feeling conversation, the emotional level. And there's also the identity conversation, which asks “what does this say about me?” Is something in my self-image implicated in what's going on here? What's making the conversation difficult for me? Expanding your view of the conversation in this way lets you understand that just battling back and forth to prove that you're right and the other side is wrong is not likely to get you from a breakdown to a breakthrough. I've spent a lot of time working with executives, teaching, working in companies, and working in some government situations, and I noticed that people had this difficulty trying to deal with the three conversations - they got the concept, but in real time they found it very difficult to use this concept. Even if they practiced it in a workshop and got the words to come out of their mouth, their real-time experience was that they weren't doing the best practices that they cognitively knew they should do.I became extremely interested in this gap, what I later called the Performance Gap, between people's potential to negotiate effectively, which might be very high, and their ability to practice it. In looking at this gap and trying to figure out how you help people in real time bring forward their skillful means and higher nature, I simply asked the question: What if I'm the problem? What do I need to do to be more effective to get better results, or develop stronger relationships, or reap the deeper rewards of life in general? I can stop looking out there. I can stop wishing my boss would change. I can stop blaming or judging my family members. I can look inside and ask how am I contributing, how is my relationship with my self leading me to get in my own way? Asking yourself if I’m the problem isn’t the same as self-blame. If you think about your levers of change, where you can influence - it’s not easy to change other people, particularly when you're talking about long-standing habits and mindsets. But you actually do have a quality of autonomy that enables you to grow as a human being. You set that intention, you learn skills, and you shift your mindset. It’s extremely empowering to notice that one of the ways to improve your interactions with other people is to get better at how you interact with yourself."  Daniel Goleman

Earth's crammed with heaven

"Earth’s crammed with heaven, And every common bush afire with God;" This could have been written by Elizabeth Barrett Browning about my son Zachary Robert Dearing who is celebrating his 23rd birthday today.  Since his arrival he has grabbed for this earth as if it were indeed crammed with all things divine.  At age 2 in the grocery store checkout, he would stretch away from me to watch the cashier, mesmerized.  (He received a toy cash register for his next Christmas).  At age 5,  he pursued T-ball, basketball and any other sport with such focus and determination that he was typically the coach's example to the other five year olds.  At early as 3 years old when he was giving his new birthday roller blades a trial, he fell.  Then promptly picked himself up with "Good fall, Zac" and went back after it again.Zachary has treated this world as if it truly is sacred, as if it were indeed created by God, (whether in 7 days or via the big bang and evolution), matters not so much to him as loving planet earth well. Loving it though, not with a mother's or father's love, but as lover.  He devours this world and is the most present person to each of his experiences I have ever known.   He expects to fall in love with all aspects of earthly life and so he does and has; now for 23 years.  You know with all the focus on saving this planet I wonder if we are really present to  it?  Do we truly experience it?  Do we love it and more importantly our own precious lives as if they will never come again?  Because each moment will never come again.  Somehow Zachary, from the moment he arrived (he slept only 10 hours a day as an infant... until he was 14 years old) has intuitively known how to love this world and his life here as if he had only this one shot at it.I know something about loving one's life.  I was raised by a man who truly loved his life.  Zachary's grandfather, Robert Wonders loved all the days of his life.  But more quietly than Zachary.  Zachary's enthusiasm for the world can take one aback, especially in his younger days.  He takes up space.  He has big ideas and pursues them and most importantly he does not focus on outcome.  He focuses on the hunt.  He celebrates each achievement, mourns his losses but never for more than 24 hours, then on to the next pursuit.  It is clear that victory is not the point.  The point is life.  The point is being "all in" his life.  The point is being truly alive.What does this have to do with you and with me?Ask yourself,"Where am I concerned with outcome?"  or"Whether something makes sense enough to give it a shot?" or"How will I look doing it?" or"What so and so might think of me?"or some other form of doubt that is distracting you from channeling your inner Zachary Robert Dearing and simply loving this "earth crammed with Heaven?"  Happy Birthday, Tiger boy!

Obama & Christie: Out of tragedy, new possibility emerges ... Part 2

Now let's look at the same phenomena on the other side,  President Obama.  Jungians might say that Obama's leadership shadow is exemplified in Governor Christie (and vice versa.)  Obama makes space for others to speak and be seen.  He tries deliberately not to take up space or call the spotlight to himself.  He possibly sees the Christie directive, passionate, emotionally expressive style of leadership as "old school" and not 21st century.  He prefers the servant leadership or the participative leadership model that has been catching on in the last two decades.There have been signs that some other kind of leadership was needed from Obama in addition to his preferred style.  Even his supporters have called him out for being too cerebral, for not wanting to truly fight for what matters.  For not saying directly what he wants, for not taking charge.  Take health care: Obama gave it to the Congress and Senate to work out without clearly saying what he wanted.  Christie would have told them what he wanted.  There are other examples of Obama refusing to find his inner Christie, but my point here is that most of us refuse the call to change ourselves in a new direction,when it is against our "winning formula" or the identity that has got us where we are today, or when we have held our way as better than or superior to other ways.  It is scary to give up what always worked.However, when we are called to change and refuse the call, something (Fate/Life/God) steps into to help us.  Sometimes through adversity or pressure and sometimes through offering us an example of our refused capacities in all their glory!  For Obama, enter Governor Christie dealing with Sandy and for Christi, enter President Obama supporting him and the people of his state.AND so  we get to glimpse another way to lead and to work together through their interaction.  We  saw that Obama had to ensure through his direct actions and calls to Christie that the government he believes in delivered for Christie.  He couldn't sit on the sidelines.  He had to get in the game and direct it when necessary.  He made sure the red tape that everyone hates in bureaucracies didn't get in the way of FEMA delivering the way he knew it could.  We witnessed what a working across the political divide could look like.  Now it is our turn to do the hard work of insisting we get it.To my eye, both men glimpsed their "golden shadow" in the other man in the aftermath of Sandy --the next level of greatness for each of them as a leader if they will take the journey of embracing their opposite style.  An Obama who takes charge and takes up space when necessary.  A Christie who recedes and makes space for others views and leadership or who leads via supporting others leadership.  Neither may know this happened consciously. But their unconscious is probably a little less frightened of being their opposite kind of leader.And so too, you and I.  Ask yourself:  "What it is I am most afraid of becoming?".  Now ask yourself "And where in my life could that way of being actually be useful to me?"   You will discover that "Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure." Ranier Maria Rilke 

Obama & Christie: Out of tragedy, new possibility emerges ... Part 1

Picture the image of Republican New Jersey Governor Chris Christie standing side by side with Democratic President Barack Obama.  One man man white, one man multiracial.  One man large with a loud and passionate, direct and exuberant presence.  The other slender and known for his cool demeanor, depth of thought and observational qualities. One man (Christie) had previously criticized the other (Obama) in public ("groping for the light switch of leadership in a darkened room).Yet a woman named Sandy, in the form of a hurricane, brought them together and brought out the best in both of them.  AND simultaneously  helped us glimpse a new way forward as a people.  In this post I am going to focus on the inner development of both leaders from my perspective and apply that to each of us and human development.  Let's start with my assumptions/beliefs:

1. People come into your life at a point in time to give you a glimpse (a positive example) of the next level of development available to you, as a person and a leader.  I refer to this as emergence as in, what is emerging/growing in you now?
2. This person/example will stimulate your imagination of what is possible for you next, even if only unconsciously.
3. If  you recognize this opportunity and move with it, you experience the wind at your back.
4. If you resist it, you experience  struggle and suffering.

Back to Christie and Obama.  Obama's humble and thoughtful, counselor approach is a model of servant leadership (which is why his staff will walk on hot coals for him).  But it would look like a failure of leadership to Christie.  Christie's approach is almost always big, powerful and charismatic.  We only see Obama do that through oratory.  Christie's ego/strategic mind would tell him no one will follow him if he risks growing the opposite characteristics in his leadership (the Obama style) thus keeping him from going to his next level of greatness.   Can you imagine how extraordinary Christie can be as a leader--maybe our President one day--with the ability to tap both capacities?  To be at choice for when to directly and powerfully call for what is needed for the people---and when to recede, observe and serve?

Part 2 highlights Obama's frontier and then connects this to all of us...

Vote your desires not your fears.

What happens if we each tried actually trusting that whatever happens we will all move forward?  What happens if we vote based on our deepest desires not our fears?  That won't be easy as both campaigns have painted their opponents winning the presidency as a fearful thing.  But because the adds did/do that doesn't mean you and I have to.  So if you haven't voted yet, I invite you to get quiet and locate your primary values.  Make a list of your top 5.  Mine looks like this:

1. Inclusion ... no one left our or behind.
2. Dignity of meaningful worthwhile work.
3. Empathy/compassion but more for how it helps the giver.  Without compassion, I seem to be filled with fear.
4. Passion/wholeheartedness/Desire
5. Creativity/innovation/discovery/originality

Not sure that they are in order.  Whatever your list, take the time to locate your top values and then look at both candidates for President and all the candidates running for office and ask yourself this question:Whose life best demonstrates my top values?  And whose life has best demonstrated these values over his/her lifetime?Your choices will not only be clear, but you will have owned your choices in a different way.  Neither Obama or Romney are perfect men or leaders.  Far from it, no human is perfect.  Now you won't expect them to "do what you want or what you would do if you were in their shoes". And when we focus on leadership in that way, we can't help but focus on problems and end up feeling disappointed and even anxious.  Instead why not focus on how they are living the values that their lives have already demonstrated and that you value.  That question takes you out of critical right/wrong thinking.  It takes you out of Problem Focus and puts you in TED where TED stands for The Empowerment Dynamic.  AND that my friends makes all the difference in the quality of your life.By the way, this doesn't mean you never recognize mistakes nor does it make you Pollyanna.  Leaders are human.  They aren't always true to their values.  But it is easier to call someone to their greatness when they go afield of it, by singing the song that lives in their hearts (values) than it is by criticism.  By the way, this works really well with oneself!  :lol:So today truly celebrate what this great country makes possible...the right to vote based on our unique values.  To stand for what matters to you.  And remember, you can stand FOR something without having to be AGAINST anything or anyone!