"Things Happen FOR us, not TO us."
As an event is unfolding we actually have no idea at all WHY it is happening. Of course that won’t stop our minds from making up a story of one sort or another. But as you may have already surmised, thinking “things are happening for me” leads to a very different story and feelings, than than “things are happening to me.” “For me” can lead to Christmas morning feelings, like positive expectancy, curiosity and openness. Things are happening “to me” can lead to self-protection and contraction, feelings and thoughts like suspicion, concern and worry. The emotional intelligence research tells us that what we say only counts for 7% of what people hear when we talk. But how we are feeling and thinking, accounts for the other 93% and shows up in our tone of voice (38%) and our non-verbal behaviors (55%). It follows then that “to me” stories create an energy of contraction and worry that diminishes us and our messages/communication to others. And of course, “for me” stories create a sort of “brainstorm” atmosphere that is fun, joyful and creative allows for the flow of meaning as well as ideas. This is exactly the kind of atmosphere that today’s individuals AND organizations most need to stay competitive and thrive.When we are caught in “to me”, a good exercise to move into “for me” is The Wonders Consultancy “13 things” exercise. Sit down and make a list of 13 reasons that this thing that is happening, is actually a benefit to you in some way. For example, let’s say that you tend to be someone who gets anxious when people you care about distance from you. Maybe you take that personally. Or feel rejected. Or tend to blame or criticize yourself, and create a story you caused their behavior. AND let’s say you have recently decided that you want to change this pattern. Now, two of your friends are incommunicado. One way that is a benefit to you is you get to practice new neurological patterns or calming yourself and not chasing after these two friends. Of trusting that it is not at all about you and at some point you will understand and discover that they had other things pressing on them. Therefore, one reason that friends being incommunicado is a benefit to you, is that you are learning not pursue others! Another reason is you are learning to stay in the moment and not create stories about other people’s intentions. A third reason this is “for you” is that you are getting to learn not to take others behaviors personally. So, I gave you 3, now find another 10! It may well take that much effort to get your strategic mind to let go and trust!
Maintaining order rather than correcting disorder is the ultimate principle of wisdom. Nei Jing
So, how does one do this? What does this look like in action? Here is an exercise to test drive this wisdom. (I believe Nei Jing is a Chinese text written in 2nd century BC)1. Bring to mind a situation that is disturbing you for any reason. Then, pause, take 3 deep breaths and ask yourself, what most deeply matters to me here, or how can I use this situation as leverage to create what I most love in my life and work?Immediately you are in a different place. You are not in "problem focus" or "disorder focus" but you are in possibility focus or emergent order focus, or as The Power of TED would say "Creator mode". This shift in your thinking and feeling creates the space for you to go onto the 2nd step.2. Next, ask yourself, "what can you be deeply grateful for right now, in this situation that is troubling you?" I know! Crazy! But do it. And then ask yourself "What is working? Where is there harmony already present? How might this thing you don't want...actually be carrying within it the seeds for the order, harmony and well-being you do want?" This of course is a challenging step, but stay with it, you will surprise yourself.3. Now from this place, from this deep well of gratitude and wisdom, choose your actions. Your choices are much more likely to be proactive instead of reactive. You are more likely to experience a sense of peace and well-being as compared with the feeling you get when you get to take something off the list! Problem solving/correcting disorder mode is taking stuff off the list. It may feel good in the moment, but often it comes from a place that is surface or reactive it will be back on the list in no time at all. When that happens it is easy to end up feeling defeated and even victimized by the situation and that tempts you to correct disorder (problem focus) which leads to the same failed results. But only over and over again! Einstein once said: "You can't solve a problem at the same level of thinking that created it." The choice to maintain order, or said another way, to focus on emergent order or what you are trying to create, is the new level of thinking Einstein was talking aboutTry it and see what happens!
"What will you do, God...?"
From the great poet Ranier Maria Rilke...“What will you do, God, when I die?I am your pitcher (when I shatter?)I am your drink (when I go bitter?)I, your garment; I, your craft.Without me what reason have you?..."
It is true, for each of us. We are a little piece of God. A particular expression of the Infinite and if we pull back on that expression, when we judge that expression, we judge Divine, we doubt. We think we know best, but the part of us that is doing that thinking is the protective system called the ego or strategic mind. This part of us is on the defense. But if, instead of listening to it, we turn the other direction, we do and be what we love, we wholeheartedly move toward what we love, then we give God full reign. AND we “feel” like God…big "G" not small. Feeling like a small "g" god, is grandiosity and hubris. It may feel good in the moment but it is what Jungians might call being caught in an "inflation".BUT if instead we know, we actually experience ourselves as a particular expression of the divine, then we want to kneel and kiss the ground. We do not feel certain or powerful. We feel awe. We feel wonder. We feel humility. We feel like,“really, really? I get to be and do this? Oh goodness," or "'Beam me up Scottie'. When what you love, loves you back!”What if that is the secret? The really big well kept secret? What if that is God? What you love? Don’t settle for god, it’s like trying to live on only cake, or only adrenalin. It ends up leaving you empty, literally and figuratively. The ultimate high that drops you to the ultimate low. BUT there is another path, literally that puts allows you to move to another level.Einstein said, “you can’t solve the problem at the level of thinking that created it” so instead of HIGH and then LOW and then HIGH…etc. how about something that is not in between, or in the middle of those two, but rather of an entirely different order? That order is akin to the wonder and joy we felt as children, or on Christmas morning, or when watching a doodle bug curl into itself, or the first time we realize we are riding our bike without training wheels. That feeling the Infinite's way of giving us a green light to keep going in that direction. The direction of what we love. What if it is really that simply? And those doubting and critical thoughts? Well, they never enlarge us. They never call us to become someone we can truly admire. Instead they call us to play it safe. To stay separate and to protect and cling to what we have. They call us to distrust not only others but ourselves and ultimately our destinies.If like Rilke, above I truly trust the little piece of stardust that is me...well, then paradoxically I quit judging myself and focusing on myself and whether or not I am good enough. What I do instead, is simply go out and express my little piece of heaven. Just like the old song said..."this little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine..."[audio m4a="http://www.nancywonders.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/03-This-Little-Light-of-Mine.m4a"][/audio]
"Suffering is pain that hasn't found it's meaning yet..."
This quote from neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor's book My Stroke of Insight. Her 2008 TED talk, My Stroke of Insight by the same name, and currently holds the number 2 spot for most popular TED talks. Jill's left-side brain stroke sent her on a journey that included an 8 year recovery. Along the way, she decided that even though having her left brain largely unavailable to her put her in a very peaceful, harmonious place, it also restricted her ability to communicate and contribute to our world. She challenged herself to bring her damaged left hemisphere back on line WITHOUT reengage its negative emotional baggage. She refers to this part of her brain as her story teller.She did the miraculous thing of figuring out how to stop her story teller (left brain identity centers) from attaching to pain. She discovered that our emotions only last about 90 seconds in our blood stream. If she was feeling a negative feeling longer than that it meant her story teller was somehow keeping it alive or that she was somehow attaching to it emotionally. Toward the end of the audiobook, she says "suffering is pain that hasn't found it's meaning yet". I flashed back on Victor Frankel's Man's Search for Meaning and how his drive to understand why in conditions of extreme pain and deprivation (Nazi Concentration Camps), some people psychologically connected to the best and most resilient in themselves and others did not. Meaning and purpose played a significant role he concluded. It allowed people to endure pain while somehow also seemingly transcending it.When the pain we are experiencing has a context, when we create a larger meaning and purpose for our trials and struggles, they can enlarge us. We may well experience pain, yet we do not have to experience suffering. One of my teachers Richard Heckler Strozzi spoke of your "for the sake of". Using this concept, when there is a challenge in our lives, especially one that is painful to us, what this challenge "for the sake of"? Or what "for the sake of " could you give your pain? My sister, as she supported her husband through his long journey and eventual death from colon cancer appeared to create one of the most powerful contexts for his cancer and the pain they all endured. Looking from the outside and observing her compassion for herself, for him and their daughters her "For the sake of" appeared to be living fully each moment that they had together. They were both surprisingly present to the day to day joys available to them during so much of this journey. Not necessarily "laugh out loud" joy, though she did plenty of that too, more like a deep abiding gratefulness for whatever particular moment she was experiencing. And he seemed to be present without agenda and available to the moment and what was happening in a remarkable way. The story teller (suffering generator) gets banished when that happens. You know where this is going. If you are "suffering", if you are experiencing negative thinking or emotional energy, look around for a large enough meaning for your pain and the suffering may well dissipate.
They're really saying I love you...
They’re really saying “I love you”…Everyone who has heard this song loves it. It is a song of wonder and joy. A song of seeing deeply to the heart of what is happening. Yes, on one level that person that just reached out and said “Hi” or “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” is following a customary greeting practice when we meet someone. But what Louis Armstrong knew, is that this was only the surface of the interaction. At the heart of the greeting was “I love you”, a desire for connection and community; an example of caring and kindness.I can almost hear your smart minds going, “How can s/he know that?” Or maybe it is saying “That is a sweet idea but really? Come on.” Here is what I know for sure: we are all a mess of different feelings and motivations and intentions. We are everything. None of us purely good or bad. That’s what makes us so interesting … and impossible to predict! For me it doesn’t matter if the idea that someone is reaching out to me is accurate or not. When I choose to see a greeting as a request for contact and connection, my better angels take over, I become someone I admire. AND the world becomes a little brighter, softer and filled with wonder! Just like the song says.So, where can you shift your seeing and hearing just enough to hear "They're really saying "I love you"? Often it is only those smart minds of ours that cover over our experiences of wonder and joy with the mind's need for predictability and control. Predictability and control are fine for machines and schedules but they can hurt living things, like relationships. The choice is ours moment by moment. This new year, I apprentice myself to wonder and joy. To turn my dial to the frequency of ..."they're really saying, I love you" I so hope you will join me.