"There's that feeling you get when you see something that you don't understand..."

"There's that feeling you get when you see something that you don't understand the origin of ... wonderment."The Brooklyn artist Swoon was quoted as saying this in the New York Times and when I read it so many things came together for me.

• Why adults and adolescents love small children.
• Why it can be difficult for us as adults, to be curious in the face of the unknown.  The uncertain.
• And why poetry so often appeals to us, especially at the most difficult times in our lives.

I think most of us "smart and savvy" (and maybe a bit world weary) adults do just the opposite of wonderment in the face of what we don't understand.  We don't get curious, we don't allow ourselves to be drawn toward the unknown, instead we just shut down and/or armor up.  We assume something negative and turn away.  What poetry does (think Robin Williams in the Apple commercial) is usher us into a larger world where wonderment is more easily accessible.  It helps us make or see things whole, including our own difficulties and our own lives.Of course, I realize there is real danger in the world.  My goodness look at the front page of any newspaper around the world.  Death and disease are everywhere.  On a large scale the world is beautiful and terrifying.  All the more reason for us to seize moments of wonderment.  But to grab hold of them we most notice them first. Let's start by looking close to home, people we know or situations at work.  When a colleague or loved one says something that I don't understand the origin of what do I do?  Too often I tell a story, make meaning based on my past experience and the culture I am part of ... but what might happen if instead I go to "wonderment".  To wonder and awe as in ..."that makes no sense to me, I wonder what s/he is seeing or experiencing that I am not."  Can you sense, that in that moment we are drawn in, we are drawn closer, just like a child to the first doodle bug they see? We all have this capacity.  We were born with it.  But it gets covered over with our preference or our habits of predict and control.  For just today, instead of making meaning, good or bad, in the face of something or someone we don't understand, why not try wonderment, real open hearted interest and curiosity about what we don't know?  Let's enter our beginner's mind or "don't know mind" and see what happens.   

Are you in the "real" conversation?

This is truly the 64,000 question.  Most of us engage the conversation we know how to have but often that is not the "real" conversation.  The conversation that you don't know how to have, is typically a "real" conversation, it's  the conversation you MUST have to move forward.   Other questions that are related to this one are:

• Are you doing your top priority work first or do you tackle the things that you know how to do easily first?
• Are you majoring in minors?
• Who inside you determines the focus and the direction of your energy expenditure during a day?  Is it your protective and scarcity/anxiety/stressed based self or is it your aspirational self?

Since our organizational and our personal lives are  a series of conversations day in and day out, if we aren't having the conversations that are most important (even if  hard), we can expect the following:

1. Decreased passionate engagement and satisfaction in our work and life.
2. Decreased energy, efficiency and productivity.
3. Decreased positive personal and organizational results.

But when we do have the "real" conversations, the ones we MUST have, we can expect the following:

1. Increased engagement for ourselves and others.
2. Increased connection  to our colleagues and ourselves.
3. Increased sense of empowerment, for playing big and not small.
4. Increased efficiency, energy and productivity.
5. Increased positive personal and organizational results.

If you agree you want to have the "real" conversation, the one you MUST have, the first step is COURAGE.   And where do you find that courage?  For many of us it is found in reconnecting with our personal mission and purpose for our work and our lives.  We find it through our hearts and what matters to us.  Did you know that the root of the word Courage is Coeur for heart.  Ask yourself:

1. In my moments of "Flow" in my work and my personal life, what is it that excites and compels me?  What gives me energy?
2. Why  does my work matter to me?  To others?

The second step is COMMITMENT and action.  After you have brought to the forefront of your heart and mind the meaning and purpose of your life and your work, then make a list of the conversations you are avoiding, including any with yourself.  Rank order the list from easiest to most difficult. Then, make a commitment to go after them one at a time, until you have made it through the list.  Starting with the easiest allows you build on your successes and achieve positive momentum to continue to engage the "real" conversations that arise in all of our lives.The third step is to APPRECIATE and acknowledge yourself for shifting avoidance to positive forward moving action.   

"I am from ... "

Anthropologist and psychologist Mary Pipher gets credit for this exercise:   These “I am from” poems are an identity exercise.  They are poems that includes something about place, religion, and food that trace back to where/how you are “from.”  I chose to do this for my birthday this year, in honor of my mother whom I buried last year and all of the women and men I am from.  Also in honor of the midwest, particularly Wisconsin where I lived my first 30 years.  I am a woman who did not easily fit the land and people I am from.  I loved them but my latin soul, was a bit too expressive and wild for the natural vibe of Wisconsin.  I moved to Texas.  Now, at a distance I can truly see what I left behind in Wisconsin.  In Texas I could realize the positive side of the things that made me a "out of place".  My exuberant soul and affinity for loud, joyful laughter.  My tendency to always go for  "more" and for the "fun" option no matter the cost, liked Texas a bit better.  But in truth, I am both of these cultures.  Writing this poem made me so grateful for all of me, for all of my roots, Wisconsin and Texan.  I, like the skies of a Dallas sunset over Stevens Park Golf Course, dream big and believe anything is truly possible.  God Bless all of America and all aspects of our unique and wondrous selves.  The Exercise:Start each sentence with I am from...and write whatever comes to mind.  You might want to consider, place, food and religion...anything really that makes your roots distinct.I am from army blankets ...as forts...as  July 4th picnic blankets ...as warmth in Wisconsin winters.I am from Bob Wonders and Mary Skotske who recycled, resused and "made due".I am from prevent, control and tame.I am from Friday night lake perch tavern fish fries.I am from sheepshead, bar dice and bingo.I am from meat and potatoes ... chuck stew and mashed potatoes.I am from the place where ordinary and predictable are good and where wild and random are bad.I am from brooms, dust pans and carpet sweepers  in motion everyday but Sundays.I am from gray, low skies, gray homes, gray buildings and steel colored lakes and rivers.ANDI am from where miracles are believed to be real.  As real as daily rosaries.I am from damped down; cards held close the the vest.I am from ready help, if you ask for it.  Sometimes even when you don't but it is obvious you need it, and we wouldn't offend by the offering.I am from people who stop for strangers.I am from regular or whatever is the opposite of distinct and particular.I am from next door to Prairie Home Companion, which is a little too flashy for my people.I am from navy blue, gray and tan as colors not as neutrals.I am from "people are assumed to be good and decent until they prove otherwise".I am from the first state to outlaw discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation...WISCONSIN!I am from a place where progress is slow on small things and fast on human rights ... on the things that endure.I am from love whispered not shouted.  Loyalty ever present but not on display.  And where prayer and religion were private affairs.I am from a land where people are trusted until proven otherwise. This poem is offered In honor of Bob and Mary Wonders and the family they created, the good they did and the values they passed on to their children.Nancy Claire Wonders  

"Things Happen FOR us, not TO us."

As an event is unfolding we actually have no idea at all WHY it is happening.  Of course that won’t stop our minds from making up a story of one sort or another.  But as you may have already surmised, thinking “things are  happening for me” leads to a very different story and feelings, than than “things are happening to me.”  “For me” can lead to Christmas morning feelings,  like positive expectancy, curiosity and openness.  Things are happening “to me” can lead to self-protection and contraction,  feelings and thoughts like suspicion, concern and worry.  The emotional intelligence research tells us that what we say only counts for 7% of what people hear when we talk.  But how we are feeling and thinking, accounts for the other 93% and shows up in our tone of voice (38%) and our non-verbal behaviors (55%).  It follows then that “to me” stories create an energy of contraction and worry that diminishes us and our messages/communication to others.  And of course, “for me” stories create a sort of “brainstorm” atmosphere that is fun, joyful and creative allows for the flow of meaning as well as ideas.  This is exactly the kind of atmosphere that today’s individuals AND organizations most need to stay competitive and thrive.When we are caught in “to me”, a good exercise to move into “for me” is  The Wonders Consultancy “13 things” exercise.  Sit down and make a list of 13 reasons that this thing that is happening, is actually a benefit to you in some way.  For example, let’s say that you tend to be someone who gets anxious when people you care about distance from you.  Maybe you take that personally.  Or feel rejected. Or tend to blame or criticize yourself, and create a story you caused their behavior.  AND let’s say you have recently decided that you want to change this pattern.  Now, two of your friends are incommunicado.  One way that is a benefit to you is you get to practice new neurological patterns or calming yourself and not chasing after these two friends.  Of trusting that it is not at all about you and at some point you will understand and discover that they had other things pressing on them.  Therefore,  one reason that friends being incommunicado is a benefit to you,  is that you are learning not pursue others!  Another reason is you are learning to stay in the moment and not create stories about other people’s intentions.  A third reason this is “for you” is that you are getting to learn not to take others behaviors personally.  So, I gave you 3, now find another 10!   It may well take that much effort to get your strategic mind to let go and trust!

Maintaining order rather than correcting disorder is the ultimate principle of wisdom. Nei Jing

So, how does one do this?  What does this look like in action? Here is an exercise to test drive this wisdom.  (I believe Nei Jing is a Chinese text written in  2nd century BC)1. Bring to mind a situation that is disturbing you for any reason.  Then, pause, take 3 deep breaths and ask yourself, what most deeply matters to me here, or how can I use this situation as leverage to create what I most love in my life and work?Immediately you are in a different place.  You are not in "problem focus" or "disorder focus" but you are in possibility focus or emergent order focus,  or as The Power of TED would say "Creator mode".  This shift in your thinking and feeling creates the space for you to go onto the 2nd step.2. Next, ask yourself, "what can you be deeply grateful for right now, in this situation that is troubling you?"  I know!  Crazy!  But do it.  And then ask yourself "What is working?  Where is there harmony already present?  How might this thing you don't want...actually be carrying within it the seeds for the order, harmony and well-being you do want?"  This of course is a challenging step, but stay with it, you will surprise yourself.3. Now from this place, from this deep well of gratitude and wisdom, choose your actions.  Your choices are much more likely to be proactive instead of reactive.   You are more likely to experience a sense of peace and well-being as compared with the feeling you get when you get to take something off the list!  Problem solving/correcting disorder mode is taking stuff off the list.  It may feel good in the moment, but often it comes from a place that is surface or reactive it will be back on the list in no time at all.  When that happens it is easy to end up feeling defeated and even victimized by the situation and that tempts you to correct disorder (problem focus) which leads to the same failed results.  But only over and over again! Einstein once said:  "You can't solve a problem at the same level of thinking that created it."  The choice to maintain order, or said another way, to focus on emergent order or what you are trying to create, is the new level of thinking Einstein was talking aboutTry it and see what happens!